Process
Status Items Output None Questions None Claims None Highlights Done See section below
Highlights
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men want to love each other, to nurture each other, and they don’t feel allowed. That’s one of the big things I hear is being discussed when this piece is used in workshops and discussion groups and conference panels. I just hope they do it in ways that grow their love and capacity to be nurturing to the women and non-binary folks in their lives — not just to strengthen masculine bonds.”
✏️ I still think it’s important to strengthen the masculine bonds. Men need to feel vulnerable with men, to teach each other what they’ve learned from women and from each other. Not really agreeing with her black/white approach to it, although I get that her focus is to get men to learn from women first.
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the answer to the question ‘Nurturance is….’ must amount to something more than just ‘not raping or assaulting’, Samaran adds. “I’m saying that “nurturance is about learning how to make someone feel safe. I’m saying that it is totally ok to be honest and speak without shame of what we do and don’t know, but social scripts about masculinity put a lot of pressure on men to never admit when they don’t know something. It’s completely ok to say ‘hey I don’t know how to be a safe man, a safe male presence in women’s lives’ — because that is about a lot more than just not raping, it is about creating safe connection and spaces in which women and non-binary folks can heal from the massive gendered violence we experience. And, it is about recognising that men need to do this work and teach it to each other because we are already so exhausted from doing it.”
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On the surface, the shame over not being able to provide what someone needs is massive, and apparently that’s a big thing for men. However, underneath, there is a complex operation of shame going on in masculinity. If you have shamed yourself for having perfectly normal needs, you may not realise that you are doing so, and instead may perceive those same needs as shameful when they appear in other people. You may then actively shame people when they express those same normal needs you have internalised as shameful for yourself. So let’s say you learned very early on that needing to be held tenderly and gazed upon lovingly is shameful. You put it away, and can’t access it or even remember it. When someone you are lovers with has that very normal and healthy need, instead of comforting her appropriately, you may treat her as shameful and confusing, or become angry and withdrawn, and then blame her for this tension by calling her ‘needy’ or ‘unreasonable’ — when really it is your own denied need that you are seeing.
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I’m interested in how we create a culture that is safe enough that vulnerability and being completely accepted as our whole selves is taken as a matter of course, as a strength, as a normal part of daily life, not just in our families but in our society across the board. That is how we will move away from shame and guilt and towards accountability and love.”
✏️ good mandate/mission statement for my own thing about being nurturing