Process
Status Items Output None Questions None Claims None Highlights Done See section below
Highlights
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The difference is tiny, but our nervous systems are designed to read these minute differences with incredible precision. You can kiss, cuddle with, or have sex with someone in a way that is connected intimately, relaxed and safe, and enjoying the pleasure of a deeply trusting human bond. Or you can do the same acts in a way that focuses on physical sensation while blocking actual connection. People feel the difference. In a misogynist culture, however, we may not know how to name, or may not believe we are allowed to recognize a normal, healthy need that is not being acknowledged.
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For the straight and/or cis folks among us, challenging heteronormativity and trans- and homophobia culturally and socially makes more space for all nurturing human bonds to receive the valueing, honour and social acceptance that are fundamental needs of secure attachment.
✏️ That’s my motivation for being feminist, caring about trans and gay and queer rights… making space for nurturing human bonds all around.
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One feminist thing men can do is to make those connections in their own minds and name them outright. Rather than blame women who have had early trust bonds break (for instance by complaining about how ‘women like jerks,’ or attachment-shaming anxious, disorganized, or insecure attachers) feminist men can put the pieces together. Want to be a feminist man? Contextualize, don’t stigmatize, the insecure attachment that may show up in your romantic relationships, including short term ones.
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If you find yourself involved with women who don’t seem secure with you, consider the effects of patriarchy and misogyny across the lifespan, and ask yourself if perhaps you need to be more securitizing: available, responsive, and attuned. This is not about the work you put in or flowers you buy or nice places you take someone, though physical care is part of nurturance too. It is about doing your own healing to grow the vulnerability and physiologic trust you are capable of allowing, the responsiveness you are capable of creating with women you date or sleep with.
✏️ What men actually have to do.. not the flowers, not the gifts, not the work you do towards them, but rather the work you do on yourself.
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Help repair the harm of misogyny by giving women a different kind of experience than the men who have harmed them. If you find this difficult, do the inner work so that it becomes easier. At minimum, own and recognize where the gap might be happening, and make it clear this is yours to work on, not a failing or problem in the other person, especially if the other person is a woman who has had trust broken before.
✏️ How to repair the harm of misogyny. More work that a man has to do.
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They are trying to connect, but both must do so mediated through the ‘man box’ even though both are actually quite sensitive people. They can barely make eye contact, and when they do it is brief sideline contact with the rest of the body in fight-or-flight and eyes that say ‘I’m not connecting, I’m not vulnerable, I’m not really here.’ This contradictory glance – looking, but not looking – is much like the facial expressions of an avoidant attacher, who will do this sidelong-glance even in their most intimate moments with their most intimate people, and may not even realize it. The tiny muscles around the eyes are saying ‘I’m not really here, don’t get too close’ even when eye contact is happening. This subtle form of disconnection guards against vulnerability – and blocks secure intimacy. If it happens on an ongoing basis, it can create a confusing fabric of instability between the people who are attempting intimacy. The limbic brain doesn’t notice your words; it only reads your nonverbal cues, and it reads them lightning-fast. If you are a feminist man, and you find women you get close to don’t seem to get secure with you, try asking them if this is why. In other words, you can contextualize insecure attachment to create more shared understanding for you both.