Process
Status Items Highlights Done See section below Claims None Questions None Output None
Highlights
Location 179
Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:
🔗 Location 179
Location 241
Because Nice Guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking, the only alternative they can see to being nice is becoming “bastards” or “jerks.” I frequently remind Nice Guys that the opposite of crazy is still crazy, so becoming a “jerk” isn’t the answer.
🔗 Location 241
Location 245
Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one’s self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.
🔗 Location 245
Location 273
The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm The working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this:        •IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be        •THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life. Even when this paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative:try harder
🔗 Location 273
Location 373
The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were.
🔗 Location 373
Location 386
child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him
🔗 Location 386
Location 540
All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be.
🔗 Location 540
Location 592
In general, the Nice Guys I have worked with do not report having had a close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood
🔗 Location 592
Location 661
“I’m a chameleon,” revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. “I will become whatever I believe a person wants me to be in order to be liked.
🔗 Location 661
Location 670
By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves
🔗 Location 670
Location 720
Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman’s approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them.
🔗 Location 720
Location 730
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship
🔗 Location 730
Location 733
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth
🔗 Location 733
Location 756
Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists.
🔗 Location 756
Location 779
Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.
🔗 Location 779
Location 783
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.
🔗 Location 783
Location 786
DEER is an acronym I use for:Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize. These are all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy’s mistakes and “badness.”
🔗 Location 786
Location 810
recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters — themselves.
🔗 Location 810
Location 881
The following are some possible affirmations: “I am lovable just as I am.” “I am perfectly imperfect.” “My needs are important.” “I am a strong and powerful person.” “I can handle it.” “People love and accept me just as I am.” “It is OK to be human and make mistakes.” “I am the only person I have to please
🔗 Location 881
Location 899
Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate.
🔗 Location 899
Location 912
I suggest that the recovering Nice Guy set a regular time to meet with his safe person or group, and a little at a time, start revealing himself.
🔗 Location 912
Location 956
Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don’t draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.
🔗 Location 956
Location 1000
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.
🔗 Location 1000
Location 1023
The Nice Guy’s covert contract is simply this: 1) I will do this __ (fill in the blank) for you, so that 2) You will do this __ (fill in the blank) for me. 3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract
🔗 Location 1023
Location 1039
Caretaking always consists of two parts: 1) Focusing on another’s problems, needs, or feelings in order to 2) Feel valuable, get one’s own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one’s own problems or feelings
🔗 Location 1039
Location 1061
Caretaking Caring 1)Gives to others what the giver needs to give. 1)Gives to others what the receiver needs. 2)Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver. 2)Comes from a place of abundance within the giver. 3)Always has unconscious strings attached. 3)Has no strings attached
🔗 Location 1061
Location 1072
would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
🔗 Location 1072
Location 1083
- The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return. 2) When it doesn’t seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn’t getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score and he isn’t totally objective. 3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.
🔗 Location 1083
Location 1121
Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority
🔗 Location 1121
Location 1124
“No one was put on this planet to meet your needs” (except their parents — and their job is done). I also remind them they weren’t put on this planet to meet anyone else’s needs (except those of their children).
🔗 Location 1124
Location 1200
When putting himself first all the information he needs to make a decision is within him: “Is this what I want? Yes. Then that’s what I’ll do.”
🔗 Location 1200
Location 1221
they did not get their needs met in a timely, healthy fashion in childhood. These little boys were helpless to prevent people from abandoning them, neglecting them, abusing them, using them, or smothering them. They were victims to the people who failed to love them, pay attention to them, meet their needs, and protect them.
🔗 Location 1221
Location 1271
Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
🔗 Location 1271
Location 1280
. Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can’t change and changing what one can. Letting go doesn’t mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be.
🔗 Location 1280
Location 1285
Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a “gift” from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life’s challenges by pondering, “What do I need to learn from this situation?”
🔗 Location 1285
Location 1333
Nice Guys are terrified of two kinds of feelings — their own and everyone else’s. Any kind of intensity causes Nice Guys to feel out of control.
🔗 Location 1333
Location 1408
Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are basically honest people.
🔗 Location 1408
Location 1424
My definition of integrity is “deciding what feels right and doing it.” The alternative is using the “committee approach.” This method of decision-making and acting is based on trying to guess what everyone else would think is right. Following this committee approach is the quickest path to confusion, fear, powerlessness, and dishonesty. When applying the definition above, there are two ways to be out of integrity, but only one way to be in it. When a Nice Guy never even bothers to ask himself, “What do I think is right?” or uses the committee method, he will always be out of integrity. If he asks himself what he believes is right but doesn’t do it, he is also out of integrity. Only by asking himself what he believes is right and then doing it does he become a man of integrity.
🔗 Location 1424
Location 1442
Nice Guys are usually more comfortable back-pedaling, giving in, and keeping the peace. They believe if they take one more step backward, the other person will quit pushing, and then everything will be smooth.
🔗 Location 1442
Location 1449
Due to their childhood conditioning, they teach the people around them that they will accept having their boundaries violated
🔗 Location 1449
Location 1482
As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the challenges and “gifts” of life. Life isn’t a merry-go-round, it’s a roller coaster. As they reclaim personal power, recovering Nice Guys can experience the world in all of its serendipitous beauty. Life won’t always be smooth, it may not always be pretty, but it will be an adventure — one not to be missed.
🔗 Location 1482
Location 1551
Both childhood situations — trying to please an angry or controlling mother, or becoming mother’s little partner — created a dynamic in which Nice Guys unconsciously became monogamous to their mothers and did not individuate in a healthy way.
🔗 Location 1551
Location 1579
This frustration is due to the reality that in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them — they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man — someone with his balls still intact.
🔗 Location 1579
Location 1726
These days, boys try to make this transition from a world ruled by women, but they can’t do it on their own. I have a theory that the phase that adolescent boys pass through where they dress sloppily, look scraggly, act aggressively, hole up in their room, slouch, play loud music, swear, and spit a lot, are all unconsciously aimed at making themselves so repulsive that even their mothers can’t stand them. This helps them break the symbiotic bonds with their moms. Nevertheless, these young men still need help from adult males in pulling away from their mothers without feeling guilt and shame and without overly self-destructive behaviors.
🔗 Location 1726
Location 1737
Fathers need to take their sons hunting and fishing, work on cars with them, take them to work, coach their teams, take them to ball games, work out with them, take them on business trips, and let them tag along with them when they go out with the guys. All of these activities help boys move successfully into the male world.
🔗 Location 1737
Location 1758
Girls benefit by seeing their father set boundaries, ask for what they want in clear and direct ways, work hard, create, produce, have male friends, and make their own needs a priority.
🔗 Location 1758
Location 1803
All Nice Guys have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to be while trying to hide their perceived flaws. The demands of intimacy represent everything Nice Guys fear most.
🔗 Location 1803
Location 1820
This intimacy balancing act gets played out in two distinct ways for Nice Guys. The first is through becoming overly involved in an intimate relationship at the expense of one’s self and other outside interests. The second is through being emotionally unavailable to a primary partner while playing the Nice Guy role outside of the relationship. I call the first type of Nice Guy an enmesher and the second type an avoider
🔗 Location 1820
Location 1895
•Approve of themselves.        •Put themselves first.        •Reveal themselves to safe people.        •Eliminate covert contracts.        •Take responsibility for their own needs.        •Surrender.        •Dwell in reality.        •Express their feelings.        •Develop integrity.        •Set boundaries.        •Embrace their masculinity
🔗 Location 1895
Location 1948
When a recovering Nice Guy sets boundaries with his partner, it makes her feel secure. In general, when women feel secure, they feel loved. She will also come to know that if her partner will stand up to her, he is also likely to stand up for her. Setting boundaries also creates respect. When a Nice Guy fails to set boundaries it communicates to his partner that he doesn’t really honor himself, so why should she?
🔗 Location 1948
Location 2017
Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he would like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing that very behavior. This reinforcement increases the likelihood that that behavior will occur again.
🔗 Location 2017
Location 2096
again:All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings
🔗 Location 2096
Location 2129
found creative ways to get the attention of women while avoiding putting his penis in their vaginas. (I refer to this common Nice Guy behavior as “flirting without fucking.” As long as the Nice Guy doesn’t put his penis in a vagina, he can exchange all kinds of sexual energy yet convince himself he hasn’t really had sex or hasn’t done anything wrong.)
🔗 Location 2129
Location 2197
Ironically, trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to “do it right,” the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him.
🔗 Location 2197
Location 2326
about a Big Mac while eating a gourmet meal. About the only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from his shame and fear or cover up the fact that he is having bad sex
🔗 Location 2326
Location 2427
As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people respond.
🔗 Location 2427
Location 2454
There are numerous reasons why Nice Guys tend to be less than they can be in life, work, and career. These include:        •Fear        •Trying to do it right        •Trying to do everything themselves        •Self-sabotage        •A distorted self-image        •Deprivation thinking        •Staying stuck in familiar but dysfunctional systems
🔗 Location 2454
Location 2472
Nice Guys are afraid of making a mistake, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of failure, afraid of losing it all. Right alongside these fears of disaster is the paradoxical fear of success
🔗 Location 2472
Location 2503
Because of their fear of success, Nice Guys are masters of self-sabotage. They undermine their success by:        •Wasting time.        •Making excuses.        •Not finishing projects.        •Caretaking other people.        •Having too many projects going at once.        •Getting caught up in chaotic relationships.        •Procrastinating.        •Not setting boundaries.
🔗 Location 2503
Location 2518
if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough.
🔗 Location 2518
Location 2624
•A conscious decision to face fears.        •A conscious decision to not settle for mediocrity.        •A conscious decision to make my own rules. Think about the people you respect or look up to.
🔗 Location 2624
Location 2662
Letting go and letting it just be “good enough” set me free to embrace my passion and create something of lasting value.
🔗 Location 2662
Location 2708
Before asking for help, repeat the affirmation:This person wants to help me get my needs met
🔗 Location 2708
Location 2737
In order to start getting what they want in life, work, and career, recovering Nice Guys have to make the conscious decision to get out of their own way. One way of doing this is by changing the way they think about change.
🔗 Location 2737